Ever catch yourself thinking, “Once I get my act together, then I’ll finally be OK”?
Maybe it sounds more like, “If I could just stop overthinking... If I had more discipline... If I was more confident…” then I’d be someone worth listening to. Worth being around. Worthy, full stop.
We live by rule-based thinking for when we’ll be good enough:
“If I can control my emotions, then I’ll be mature.”
“If I get in shape, then I’ll be confident.”
“If I speak more clearly, then I’ll be respected.”
These sound like goals, but they’re little more than limiting beliefs loaded with self-judgement. Beneath the surface, we often hear the message: I’m not enough.
This kind of thinking is what we call cognitive fusion - a concept from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It means getting entangled in the stories and beliefs our minds create.
The rules start to define us, and we become rigid in how we see ourselves: I must be X before I can be Y. But this only keeps us stuck, chasing some future version of ourselves that always seems just out of reach.
To move forward, we need what ACT calls cognitive defusion - learning to loosen our grip on those rules. We don't have to reject the thoughts that show up but learn to hold them lightly. Recognising that they’re just thoughts, not facts. And once we stop treating them as absolute truths, we gain the flexibility to choose actions that align with our values.
That change in perspective starts with a question: "What kind of person do I want to be?"
Instead of living by the idea that you must first achieve something in order to become someone of worth, flip the script. Begin with your values (click the bold text) - courage, creativity, compassion, strength - whatever resonates with you.
Then ask: "What does it look like to live from those values now?"
Let’s say you want to feel respected. You’ve told yourself that to earn respect, you must “fix” your emotions - be calmer and more in control. And yet, each time you feel overwhelmed, you fall into a familiar loop: I’ve failed again. I’m not good enough. Here, we can see you're fusing with a belief that emotional control is a requirement for respect.
But what if you asked instead: "What would a respected person do in this moment?"
Would they beat themselves up for being human? Or would they respond with patience, step back, and re-engage? This is the power of living into your values - not waiting until you’ve arrived but choosing to act from a place of who you want to be. It's not "fake it till you make it" but rather the practice of living your values rather than waiting for permission to do so.
And here’s something important: even when you try to live this way, you’ll still hear that inner critic. You might still feel anxious, uncertain, exposed. (Psst...see all those "successful" people, and everyone else around you? They have their inner critics, too.)
These reactions often come from years of conditioning - beliefs and coping strategies that made sense and helped you cope when you were younger but now hold you back more than they help.
Rather than spending all your energy trying to silence or "defeat" these thoughts feelings, try something different. Let them be there, without letting them steer the ship. You can feel uneasy and still show up to the open mic night. You can feel anxious and still share your artwork. Those feelings aren’t enemies; they’re just trying to protect you - though sometimes they do a bit too much overtime.
Check out this 'Passengers on the bus' animation (click the bold text) to learn more about this.
The work, then, is not about eliminating discomfort. It’s about recognising: "I can feel this and still move toward what matters."
Here are a few prompts to explore:
What values matter most to you?
Who do you admire, and what do they embody? How might you emulate them?
What’s one small action you could take every day that reflects the kind of person you want to be?
Living into your values doesn’t mean ignoring your struggles. It means allowing space for them - and choosing to walk in your chosen direction anyway. Nobody's perfect and no-one has the blueprint on living the perfect life. We're all just trying our best within this human condition we all share.
