How to deal with a break-up

There's no way around it - break-ups can be brutal. When a relationship ends, it can feel like the ground has been pulled from beneath your feet. 

Whether it was a slow fade or a sudden rupture, adjusting to life without someone who once meant so much is disorientating - especially in a university environment where your academic performance, social life, and emotional wellbeing are constantly intertwined. 
 

Why it hurts so much

A break-up isn't just emotional; it's neurological. When we form deep bonds with someone, our brain wires them into our daily existence. Losing them creates a void that our brain struggles to process. The reward system, which releases feel-good chemicals when we're with someone we love, doesn't switch off just because they're gone. Instead, it keeps craving their presence, almost like withdrawal from an addiction.

This can leave you feeling exhausted, unable to focus on lectures or assignments, or even physically unwell. Sleep patterns get disrupted, appetite changes, and everything can feel harder than it should be. 

Your body is responding to emotional distress in a very real way, which can be particularly challenging during exam periods or important deadlines.


Life after break-up at uni

University presents unique challenges when relationships end. You might suddenly face:

• Shared spaces: Running into your ex in lectures, the library, or student events can trigger intense emotions when you least expect it.
• Overlapping friend groups: Friends might feel torn between you and your ex, creating awkward social dynamics.
• Living arrangements: If you shared accommodation or spent significant time in each other's halls, these spaces now carry emotional weight.
• Academic impact: Concentration difficulties can affect your studies just when you need to focus most.
   

Creating a temporary navigation plan can help. Consider alternative study spots, schedule changes to minimise unexpected encounters, and communicate boundaries clearly with mutual friends if needed.

Striking a balance

It's tempting to either drown in heartache or pretend everything is fine, but both extremes can be unhelpful. The Dual Process Model of Grief (click to learn more) explains that we need to oscillate between facing our pain and taking breaks from it. 

Sitting with your emotions is important - acknowledging them allows healing to begin. But at the same time, spending all your time reliving memories or wondering what went wrong can trap you in a cycle of rumination. 

On the other hand, if you constantly push the pain away - throwing yourself into coursework, nights out, or new distractions - you might delay your healing.

A healthier approach is to allow yourself space to grieve while also finding things that make you feel like yourself again. Set time aside to reflect, whether that's through journaling, talking to a friend, or listening to music that helps you process your emotions. 

Then, balance it with activities that help you reconnect with life outside of the break-up - university sports clubs, creative societies, or just spending time with friends who make you feel a bit better.

Setting digital boundaries

In today's connected campus environment, digital spaces can become emotional minefields after a break-up:

• Social media updates: Seeing your ex's posts can trigger fresh waves of pain.
• Digital memories: Photos, messages, and shared playlists remain accessible reminders.
• Online mutuals: Even when avoiding someone physically, their digital presence persists.

Consider a temporary digital detox, or at minimum:

• Mute or unfollow your ex without making an announcement
• Archive photos temporarily (rather than permanently deleting them while emotional)
• Adjust privacy settings on your accounts
• Ask close friends not to share updates about your ex

Remember that what people present online rarely reflects their complete reality. Your ex's seemingly carefree Instagram stories after the break-up don't mean they aren't also struggling.

Cultural considerations of heartbreak

How we experience and express grief after a break-up is influenced by cultural background. Some cultures encourage open emotional expression, while others value stoicism or privacy. 

International students might face additional challenges when processing heartbreak away from familiar support systems and cultural contexts.

Consider how your cultural background shapes your expectations about:

• How quickly you "should" move on
• Who you turn to for support
• How openly you express emotions
• Rituals or practices that might help with closure

Acknowledge these influences without judgement. Sunway University counselling services offer culturally sensitive support if you're struggling to reconcile different expectations.

Push-and-pull of moving on

Even when you know a relationship is over, part of you might still resist letting go. It's completely normal. Our brains struggle to reconcile the absence of someone who was once a huge part of our world. 

You might feel moments of relief one day and then a wave of sadness the next. Sometimes, you'll want to move forward, and other times, the idea of life without them will feel too much. This internal conflict doesn't mean you're doing something wrong - it's just how the mind processes loss.

Growing around grief

There's a common misconception that we "move on" from break-ups, as if we're meant to erase the past and emerge completely over it. But loss doesn't work that way. Lois Tonkin's model of grief (click to learn more) suggests that the pain doesn't necessarily shrink - instead, our life grows around it. 

Over time, you build new experiences, form new connections through courses and societies, and slowly, the break-up becomes one part of your university story rather than something that defines your entire uni experience.

There's no fixed timeline for when it gets easier. Some days, you might feel like you're making progress, and others, it might hit you all over again. That's OK. What matters is that you keep moving in ways that feel right for you.

What helps (and what doesn't)

While there's no universal blueprint for getting over a break-up, some things can make the journey smoother:

Stay connected - Being around supportive friends and housemates helps more than you realise. If you're struggling, don't hesitate to lean on people who care about you. University offers countless opportunities to strengthen existing friendships or form new ones through societies, study groups, or student events.

Look after yourself - Sleep, nutrition, and exercise might seem unimportant when you're heartbroken, but they have a massive impact on your mood and energy levels. It's easier said than done but taking care of yourself even in small ways can make a huge difference.

Set small academic goals - When motivation is low, break down assignments into manageable tasks. Even completing simple things like reading one article, attending one lecture, or organising your notes can help you feel a little more in control.

Avoid self-judgement - However you feel is valid. Don't pressure yourself to "get over it" within a certain timeframe, especially with academic pressures adding complexity.

Consider professional support - Sunway offers free counseling services specifically tailored to student needs. While most people recover well with the help of friends and time, professional support can provide valuable strategies during particularly difficult periods.

Supporting someone through a break-up

If a coursemate or housemate is going through a break-up, the best thing you can do is be there without forcing advice. Avoid clichés like "You'll find someone better" or "Just move on." 

Instead, acknowledge their pain and let them talk at their own pace. Simple gestures like checking in before lectures, inviting them to grab coffee, or even just sitting with them in silence in the library can offer a great deal of support.
 

Keep in mind...

Break-ups can shake our world, and it's normal to feel lost at first - especially during formative university years. But healing happens, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. One day, without even realising it, you'll walk across campus and the weight won't feel as heavy. 

Support is available at Sunway to help your emotional wellbeing, including peer support groups and counselling services. If you need support, reach out to us. And remember: seeking help is never a weakness.