Let's talk about disenfranchised grief...
Have you ever experienced a loss that people seemed to dismiss despite it being very important to you?
Some of us know what it's like, for example, to lose a pet that slept beside us through exam seasons and family stress, and someone casually says, “You can always get another one.”
Many people know the sadness of finishing our final term with a group of friends we saw every day for three years, and people tell us to be positive and that we’ll make new friends soon enough.
Experiences like these fall under what’s called disenfranchised grief, which describes grieving something that other people don’t fully recognise as significant. The pain is real, yet the social response suggests that it's not that big a deal.
That mismatch can make you doubt your sense of loss. You might stop bringing it up because you feel embarrassed by how much it affects you, or you might compare your loss to someone else’s and decide you don’t have the right to feel this way. Yet the importance of a loss isn’t decided by a public vote. It’s shaped by what that person, animal, role, or experience meant in your own life.
A pet might have been your daily source of comfort. A short relationship might have been your first real experience of feeling seen and understood. A club or sports team might have been where you found your confidence and sense of belonging. When these end, you’re not just losing an activity or a routine; you’re losing a part of your story.
If you’re dealing with this kind of grief, you could try:
Saying clearly, even just to yourself, “This matters to me.” You don’t need anyone’s approval in order for your feelings to be taken seriously. They're there for a reason.
Talking to someone who listens without minimising it. If you have a good friend or mentor who you know will listen to you without judging, sharing your thoughts and feelings can help you begin to process your loss.
Marking the ending in a way that feels personal. That might mean printing photos of your pet, having a final dinner with friends before everyone moves on, or writing a message to your future self about what this period meant.
Being mindful of how you respond when others share their losses. If someone is upset about something that seems small to you, keep in mind that what might not feel important to you can feel like everything to the other person.
When a loss feels significant to you, that’s enough reason to acknowledge it. Grief doesn't need permission to exist, and your attachments reflect your experiences and connections. If a loss feels meaningful to you, then it is a meaningful loss and it deserves care and attention just like any other.
