Boundaries: what they are and how to set them

Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships, both personal and professional. They help us establish clear limits and expectations, protect our well-being, and ensure that we are treated with respect. However, setting boundaries can be particularly challenging when dealing with people we might experience as being difficult. 
 

Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries serve as a way to communicate our needs, values, and limits to others. They help us maintain our sense of self and prevent others from taking advantage of us or causing us harm. When we have clear boundaries, we are better able to manage our time, energy, and emotions, and we can cultivate more positive and fulfilling relationships.

(Side note: Boundaries needn’t be forever fixed. It’s helpful to think of them like fences with gates, rather than solid walls. With fences, you can see, engage and interact with others. If you choose, you can also open the gate to let someone in and out, or to venture out yourself and connect more deeply. Boundaries can be adjusted as relationships evolve and change over time.)

“How do I know if I need to set boundaries?”

It's not always easy to recognise when you need to set boundaries with others. Here are some signs that may indicate it's time to establish or reinforce your boundaries:

• You feel overwhelmed, stressed, or resentful about your interactions with someone.

• You find yourself constantly doing things you don't want to do or sacrificing your own needs to please others.

• You feel like your time, energy, or resources are being taken for granted or exploited.

• You experience discomfort, anxiety, or dread when interacting with certain individuals.

If you identify with any of these signs, it may be time to assess your relationships and consider setting clear boundaries.

Dos and Don'ts of Setting Boundaries
 

When setting boundaries with difficult people, it's important to keep a few key things in mind:

Do:

• Be clear and specific about your boundaries. Use "I" statements to express your needs and expectations, such as "I need some quiet time to focus on this project."

• Communicate your boundaries calmly and assertively. Avoid being aggressive or confrontational but stand firm in your position.

• Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries. If you make exceptions or allow your boundaries to be violated, others may not take them seriously.
  
  

Don't:

• Apologise for setting boundaries. Remember that you have the right to assert your needs and protect your well-being just as other people have that right. 

• Engage in lengthy justifications or explanations. Keep your boundary-setting statements brief and to the point.

• Take responsibility for others' reactions. You can't control how others respond to your boundaries, but you can control your own actions and responses.
   

Respecting Ourselves and Others

It's important to remember that setting boundaries doesn't mean we should be disrespectful or rude to others. We can communicate our limits firmly and kindly, without resorting to personal attacks or insults. At the same time, we should also be mindful that we might sometimes be experienced as being difficult to some people. It's helpful to consider how we would want to be treated in those situations and to strive for respect and understanding in our interactions.

Accepting Differences

Finally, it's worth acknowledging that we can't be everyone's cup of tea. Some people will naturally gravitate towards us, while others may not take to us as easily. Most people won't feel strongly toward us either way. This is a normal part of human relationships, and it's important not to take it personally. By focusing on cultivating positive connections with those who appreciate and respect us, we can build a strong support system and maintain our emotional well-being.

Remember: setting boundaries is a crucial skill for navigating relationships with difficult people. By being aware of the signs that indicate a need for boundaries, and by being clear, consistent, and respectful in our communication, we can protect our own needs and well-being while still treating others with kindness and understanding. Boundaries are not about pushing others away, but about creating the space we need to thrive and build healthy, fulfilling relationships.

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“Boundaries are, in simple terms, the recognition of personal space.”

~ Asa Don Brown