Don't treat yourself worse than you'd treat your friends...
We’ve all heard well-meaning advice about being kind to ourselves, and while it sounds sensible enough, it can be surprisingly hard to do.
Many people grow up learning to push through, meet expectations and stay on top of things, and somewhere along the way they become far better at managing pressure than offering themselves any patience or kindness.
When life gets busy, the inner critic often shows up. It can become harsher, louder and less forgiving, even when the situation doesn’t call for it. Self-kindness feels distant because we've spent years being conditioned to react very differently to ourselves.
A useful idea on this topic comes from Oliver Burkeman’s excellent book, Meditations for Mortals, where he draws on the philosopher Iddo Landau’s “reverse golden rule.” It describes the act of not treating yourself in ways you’d never apply to anyone else.
Burkeman quotes British psychologist Adam Phillips to drive the point home: if you met someone who spoke to others with the same relentless judgement many of us aim inward, you’d assume something terrible had happened to them. You’d probably worry about their wellbeing, and you’d consider that their behaviour was a sign of hurt. Yet when it comes to our own inner voice, that same judgemental tone passes as normal.
The beauty of the reverse golden rule lies in how modest it is. It doesn’t ask for grand gestures of self-love or positive affirmations. It only asks for fair treatment, using skills you already practise with other people every day. Most of us know how to offer patience and a bit of encouragement to someone who is under pressure. The idea is simply to apply those same instincts inward rather than reserving them for everyone else.
When people try this consistently, two things usually become clear. They start to notice how often the inner critic appears, and they realise that even a small softening of tone makes challenges feel more workable. Pressure becomes less draining when you’re not battling yourself all the time.
To make it practical, here are five simple ways to apply the reverse golden rule in daily life:
1. Switch to your “friend voice” in one predictable trigger
Choose a moment where you’re usually harsh on yourself - running late, forgetting something, or losing focus. Use the tone and supportive words you’d naturally use with a friend in the same situation.
2. Build a short pause into your day
When tension rises, take a breath and check whether your inner commentary is helping. If not, turn it down to the level you’d use with others. You're not getting rid of the inner critic completely, just turning down its volume.
3. Keep a grounding list on your phone
Write a few lines that sound like you, phrases you’d genuinely offer someone under stress. These can become quick anchors when you’re feeling overwhelmed, because thoughtful language is often the first thing to disappear when pressure builds.
4. Watch out for the “second arrow”
The first arrow is the stress of the event itself. The second arrow is the criticism that follows, and that's usually what does the real damage. Catching yourself before that second arrow lands keeps the moment contained and lets you respond with proportion rather than punishment.
5. Treat rest as a human need, not something earned through performance
Many people ration rest as if it should be justified. If a friend was exhausted, you’d encourage a break without hesitation. Extending that same understanding to yourself helps reset the emotional tone of your week and reduces the guilt that often fuels more burnout.
The reverse golden rule offers a more grounded way of relating to yourself. Treating yourself with the same basic decency you already extend to others steadies the mind, frees up energy and makes your time and to-do lists more manageable without adding an internal battle to everything you do.
