One of the most common struggles people talk about today is the question of meaning. “What’s my purpose? Where am I headed? What’s the point of all this?”
These aren’t new questions, but they often feel sharper when you’re stepping into a new stage of life. Dr. Lucy Foulkes, in her book Coming of Age, writes about how this transition into late adolescence and early adulthood is a particularly sensitive time. It’s the first real taste of semi-independence: you’re making more choices than ever before, and at the same time, you’re suddenly aware of the pressure to get them right.
For much of childhood, choices are made for us. School is regimented, routines are fixed, and adults decide most things on our behalf. Then, almost overnight, the structure loosens. You can choose what to study, who to spend time with, and what path to walk. That freedom can be exciting, but it also brings an overwhelming sense of responsibility. It feels like you have to figure out who you are, where you fit in, and what your future should look like, all at once.
Part of that pressure comes from stepping into a world that demands more independence, while another part comes from the fact that your brain is still developing. The prefrontal cortex, which helps with decision-making and long-term planning, continues to mature into the mid-20s. That’s why choices can feel so intense in these years and why it’s normal to feel uncertain or unsettled.
What feels urgent today often softens with perspective. Many people in their late twenties look back and realise how fiercely they wrestled with questions of identity and purpose, and how eventually things began to settle.
It’s also true that the psychological landscape now is more demanding than it was for previous generations. Materially, life may be more comfortable but emotionally and mentally, the demands are heavier. You’re navigating not just your own immediate environment, but also a constant flood of information, comparisons, and expectations. The result is a heightened sense that you should already know your purpose and be working toward it.
Alongside this comes the natural desire to fit in. Wanting to belong isn’t a weakness - it’s part of our development. When you’re no longer a child but not yet fully an adult, the pull to be part of a group makes evolutionary sense. It helps us feel safe and connected, but while this drive serves a purpose, it can also create self-doubt.
You might also wonder if your personality is “wrong” because you’re quieter, less outgoing, or see the world differently from how others seem to see it. Remember that what people project in public isn’t always how they feel in private, and that personalities are varied and valid. Oversimplified advice like “just be happy” or “just make friends” often misses the reality that everyone approaches life differently. It's also a failure of empathy and trying to understand the person.
Rather than rushing to “find” purpose as if it’s an object waiting to be discovered, it helps to see it as something created gradually. You build meaning through your experiences, relationships, and commitments, rather than by stumbling across it one day fully formed. Being curious about what meaning even looks like for you is more valuable than pressuring yourself to define it right now.
A few points that might help:
Give yourself permission to be unfinished. You’re not supposed to have everything figured out in these years - it’s a time of exploration. Humans don’t reach a “finished” state; we’re constantly unfolding.
Notice what energises you. Instead of asking, “What’s my purpose?” pay attention to the small things that give you a sense of connection, interest, or satisfaction. These moments are the building blocks of meaning.
Acknowledge the role of belonging. It’s normal to want to fit in. But belonging doesn’t mean copying others, it means finding spaces where your personality can breathe, even if it looks different from what others are doing.
Remember that intensity is temporary. The feeling that everything matters urgently tends to ease with time. Perspective grows with experience.
See learning as lifelong. Every stage of life involves questions, uncertainty, and growth. The difference is that with age, you gain more confidence in your ability to live with and work through those questions.
The desire for safety and certainty is one we all share. We want to know who we are, what we’re doing, and that we’re on the right path. But a degree of certainty and stability comes slowly, and it rarely arrives in a single flash of insight. Instead, it emerges as you make choices, live with them, and learn from them.
So, when life feels tense and the questions of meaning press heavily on you, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or falling behind. It means you’re living the very stage you’re supposed to be living. The task isn’t to “solve” your purpose once and for all, but to explore your personality and your place in the world, and to be kind to yourself along the way.
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Book recommendation: Coming of Age, by Dr. Lucy Foulkes (click here)
Follow Dr. Lucy Foulkes on Instagram @drlucyfoulkes
